I had two images that I considered for this (brief) essay, and not gonna lie, the one above feels like the inside of my brain. So much stuff in there, and I’m not quite ready to spit out my thoughts, thus “junbi chű” while I figure it all out.
The second image is probably closer to the truth, however:
It’s probably more accurate to say that I am simply the officer of the watch at a construction site. I’m on duty, and you’ll have to watch your step because you might trip over some of the stuff that has accumulated around me. I’m trying to keep it orderly, but it can get out of hand. Sorry about that.
I’ve taken a month-long break since my last newsletter, in part because I’ve been traveling and taking care of household stuff, but also because I need frequent breaks from social media or the clutter in my head overwhelms my ability to think. And lately Substack has felt like social media, except that unlike Instagram, it’s not selling me suitcases and haircare products. It’s selling me ideas, and I’m a sucker for ideas. I just keep picking them up and stashing them “just in case.”
So after to-ing and fro-ing for a month, I’m back, but with a twist.
I’m still writing about my trials with the Japanese language. That won’t change. It’s part of my core being, this struggle with the language. But the language struggle is just one aspect of a larger struggle. Grappling with this language involves lots of feelings. And dang it if I just hate dealing with feelings. That, too, I’m discovering is a relic of my family story, and in order to fully explore this language dysfunction, which is embodied in me, I need to go deeper into my personal history. Not only that, but I need to also expand further into my current life, to see where this “problem” (is it a problem?) has taken me. I need to go both backwards and forwards in time.
I’m not fully bilingual, but some parts of my brain operate in a second language regardless. I’m hovering in an in-between, not able to fully be on one side or the other. I think if you’re fully comfortable in both your heritage languages, you probably won’t notice the power of language quite as intensely as someone like myself, a person who feels disconnected and connected in two languages at the same time. I not only can wield the power of language, but I also feel the frustration that comes with not having enough language. Consider for a moment that I am a writer by trade, but only in English; this despite the fact that sometimes my brain is working in Japanese mode. So on the one hand, I love my languages, but on the other, I fear them. Sometimes I am the boss. Sometimes I am the victim.
Is it culture, or is it language?
So in future newsletters I will be expanding my range a little bit. For one thing, I’ve also studied Arabic and Korean, and they are both important to me, for different reasons, but nonetheless highly emotional reasons. I’ll be thinking more carefully about my experiences as a language student and relating them to my life in between two languages.
But first, I have to conquer Japanese. I’ll be traveling to Japan this year, probably in the fall, so this newsletter will be where I record my adventures. It will be my first trip to Japan in over thirty years, my first trip to Japan since (finally!) finishing up my study of kanji, and my first trip to Japan where I am not defined by my mother and her family. I will be going there as an adult with her own personal and professional interests and agenda, rather than as a child with a child’s Japanese ability. How will this go? I’m not sure, but you’ll be right there with me. This newsletter is the place where I feel obligated to admit that I’m terrified; this newsletter will keep me honest.
I’ll be back with another essay next week! Thanks for reading, as always.