I enjoyed this a lot! My mother never learned Italian from her mother--she always regretted that but never felt shame about it. So many Americans will say to me, "why don't you teach your son Japanese?" But it is a fruitless task to try and mold another human being. As my son's father says, "if he needs it, or wants to learn, he will do that." My ex always points out that we learned each others languages in adulthood. I think it is more of a spectrum than fluent (or not). The kind of binary approach to language is certainly something you find in monolingual societies like the US or Japan. But I think in more multilingual places, they see it on a spectrum. We have native languages and languages that we are fluent in... languages in which we can order food in a restaurant, reading languages, languages studied in school... And also there is also abilities that ebb and flow. My son lost his abilities as fast as he picked them up in childhood. And I am amazed and not at all sad to see my writing abilities in Japanese slowly fade. I think kids like my son have it tough since they can never win--in Japan, they are treated as foreign and in the US too there are questions. It is why he loves Hawaii so much. He totally fits in!! Last night he texted and asked if I can send him back to Japan for a week or so to visit and I told him to stop being so lazy and try and study a little nihongo!! hehe!
I didn't try to teach my kids Japanese, it would have been bizarre! But there are other things that they grew up with just because I grew up with those things, mostly food, Japanese kids' songs, holidays, etc. I've always listened to Japanese pop music and tuned into the Kōhaku every year so that's very natural for them, too. I liked the "no sabo kids" piece from NPR because I agree that culture is so much more than just speaking the language well, and my kids feel that ozōni at New Year's is part of their culture, even though their Japanese is only so-so (and I have one kid who speaks zero, she speaks Spanish!).
So of course your son is feeling comfortable in Hawaii! It's the only place in the U.S. where the Asians are the majority and where being mixed is normal. Too bad it's so far! That's the only bad thing about Hawaii. I haven't been since 2013! I need to go back!
My mother is a first generation German-American and speaks and taught German. I never picked it up and I did often regret that. I am lingquistically disconnected from my ancestors.
I also have a son who is mixed Japanese and American. His mother, my wife, is a native speaker and we lived in Japan for three years to give him an experience with his mother tongue. But he's an American, for sure.
One perspective I have on this is that this tension and discomfort around the language of our ancestors and our place in their world vs. this world is a distinctly and quintessentially an American experience. Feeling a bit out of place with our lineage is what makes us Americans. Many, if not most of us share that feeling. That's why we have so many parades and festivals that attempt to connect us to our origin.
Puerto Rico doesn't have a Puerto Rican day parade, as far as I know, but it's a big deal in NYC. We're uneasy about who we were and are. I don't think the Irish in Ireland care about St. Patrick's Day the way they do in the U.S.
So, yes, as a descendant of German and Dutch immigrants, I do relate to your sense of alienation from your granparent's native language. And I believe that's something that you and I share as Americans. I'm glad you wrote about it, I wish more people would.
My husband's grandfather snuck onto a ship and left Lebanon for the U.S. back in the 1910s He didn't speak a word of English, and I think when he got here he snuck onto another ship and ended up in Massachusetts. He married a Lebanese girl working in a boarding house he stayed in, and she had her own harrowing story, arriving alone in NY and discovering that the sister who was to have met her had died. And my mom married an American soldier who ended up supporting her entire family for years, I think it was an economic decision on her part, although she has never said so explicitly.
Immigrants are made of different stuff, I think. I can't imagine making decisions like that; it's hard to imagine the urgency and the desperation. And I agree with you, there's something in that tension, where you feel like you can't stay in your native country anymore, but you miss it so much when you've left. It comes out in so many different ways in the U.S. Thanks so much for your thoughts, I hadn't thought about the parades! I'm in New England so the Irish thing is huge here.
It's interesting to learn about the "no sabo" kids. It reminds me of how we Chinese Malaysian used to call another "banana", for not being able to speak any of the Chinese language/dialect. It basically means yellow on the outside, but white on the inside. It is lace with racism yes, but you know, kids can be mean sometimes. I speak Manglish (Malaysian-English) and also Cantolish? I grew up speaking both Cantonese and English, and I've only learned to read and write in English and Malay. I always felt something is missing for not being able to read or write Chinese. I also feel a little inferior for having at best elementary level for my mother tongue, Cantonese.
I enjoyed this a lot! My mother never learned Italian from her mother--she always regretted that but never felt shame about it. So many Americans will say to me, "why don't you teach your son Japanese?" But it is a fruitless task to try and mold another human being. As my son's father says, "if he needs it, or wants to learn, he will do that." My ex always points out that we learned each others languages in adulthood. I think it is more of a spectrum than fluent (or not). The kind of binary approach to language is certainly something you find in monolingual societies like the US or Japan. But I think in more multilingual places, they see it on a spectrum. We have native languages and languages that we are fluent in... languages in which we can order food in a restaurant, reading languages, languages studied in school... And also there is also abilities that ebb and flow. My son lost his abilities as fast as he picked them up in childhood. And I am amazed and not at all sad to see my writing abilities in Japanese slowly fade. I think kids like my son have it tough since they can never win--in Japan, they are treated as foreign and in the US too there are questions. It is why he loves Hawaii so much. He totally fits in!! Last night he texted and asked if I can send him back to Japan for a week or so to visit and I told him to stop being so lazy and try and study a little nihongo!! hehe!
I didn't try to teach my kids Japanese, it would have been bizarre! But there are other things that they grew up with just because I grew up with those things, mostly food, Japanese kids' songs, holidays, etc. I've always listened to Japanese pop music and tuned into the Kōhaku every year so that's very natural for them, too. I liked the "no sabo kids" piece from NPR because I agree that culture is so much more than just speaking the language well, and my kids feel that ozōni at New Year's is part of their culture, even though their Japanese is only so-so (and I have one kid who speaks zero, she speaks Spanish!).
So of course your son is feeling comfortable in Hawaii! It's the only place in the U.S. where the Asians are the majority and where being mixed is normal. Too bad it's so far! That's the only bad thing about Hawaii. I haven't been since 2013! I need to go back!
My mother is a first generation German-American and speaks and taught German. I never picked it up and I did often regret that. I am lingquistically disconnected from my ancestors.
I also have a son who is mixed Japanese and American. His mother, my wife, is a native speaker and we lived in Japan for three years to give him an experience with his mother tongue. But he's an American, for sure.
One perspective I have on this is that this tension and discomfort around the language of our ancestors and our place in their world vs. this world is a distinctly and quintessentially an American experience. Feeling a bit out of place with our lineage is what makes us Americans. Many, if not most of us share that feeling. That's why we have so many parades and festivals that attempt to connect us to our origin.
Puerto Rico doesn't have a Puerto Rican day parade, as far as I know, but it's a big deal in NYC. We're uneasy about who we were and are. I don't think the Irish in Ireland care about St. Patrick's Day the way they do in the U.S.
So, yes, as a descendant of German and Dutch immigrants, I do relate to your sense of alienation from your granparent's native language. And I believe that's something that you and I share as Americans. I'm glad you wrote about it, I wish more people would.
My husband's grandfather snuck onto a ship and left Lebanon for the U.S. back in the 1910s He didn't speak a word of English, and I think when he got here he snuck onto another ship and ended up in Massachusetts. He married a Lebanese girl working in a boarding house he stayed in, and she had her own harrowing story, arriving alone in NY and discovering that the sister who was to have met her had died. And my mom married an American soldier who ended up supporting her entire family for years, I think it was an economic decision on her part, although she has never said so explicitly.
Immigrants are made of different stuff, I think. I can't imagine making decisions like that; it's hard to imagine the urgency and the desperation. And I agree with you, there's something in that tension, where you feel like you can't stay in your native country anymore, but you miss it so much when you've left. It comes out in so many different ways in the U.S. Thanks so much for your thoughts, I hadn't thought about the parades! I'm in New England so the Irish thing is huge here.
It's interesting to learn about the "no sabo" kids. It reminds me of how we Chinese Malaysian used to call another "banana", for not being able to speak any of the Chinese language/dialect. It basically means yellow on the outside, but white on the inside. It is lace with racism yes, but you know, kids can be mean sometimes. I speak Manglish (Malaysian-English) and also Cantolish? I grew up speaking both Cantonese and English, and I've only learned to read and write in English and Malay. I always felt something is missing for not being able to read or write Chinese. I also feel a little inferior for having at best elementary level for my mother tongue, Cantonese.